Question 13

You are in a plane crash in the Andes Mountains, not unlike those people from the movie Alive. As such, you will be forced to consume the human flesh of the people who died on impact; this will be a terrible experience but it is the only way for you to survive. Fortunately, you did not know any of the victims personally. Would you rather eat a dead baby, or would you rather eat a dead elderly person? Would you gender play a role in your selection process? And how much would it bother you if this meat turned out to be delicious?

That is positively disgusting — making my skin crawl, seeing awful images of chopped up people in my head, really not hungry anymore, disgusting. It’s worse than the time a mouse crawled across my bare foot in a parking garage (I don’t want to talk about it, but, believe me, it was naaaaaaasty).

I would just rather not eat anyone. You can live off plants and stuff, right?

Fine, if that’s not possible, I would rather someone else just give me the…um, chosen piece of sustenance?…and I’ll just keep my eyes closed and nose plugged while I eat it. I don’t want to see the chopped up person, I don’t want to feel it in my hand, I don’t want to feel it in my mouth — in fact, if someone could feed it to me or just blend it in with something else so I won’t even really know I’m eating it, that would be fantastic.

Seriously, I can’t even explain how disturbing this question is.

The “eating human flesh” thing isn’t even the worst part of it all. It’s bad, but imagine, once you’re rescued and home safe, having to explain to someone’s parents, children, husband, wife, friends, etc. that you ate their son, daughter, mom, dad, wife, husband, friend, etc.

What do you even say to that?

“Sorry I ate so-and-so…but I needed to survive. Here’s the watch they were wearing.”

Um, no thanks. I don’t think I’d feel remotely comfortable knowing that, yeah, my loved one died in this plane crash, but he/she helped save other people by providing them with food. Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew…

I’m not even going to touch the part about “What if the meat was tasty?” That’s just too much to deal with. I honestly think I’d just go throw myself off the top of the mountain.

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