If you’re like me, you don’t check ESPN.com unless someone tells you to. Well, I’m going to be that someone and tell you to go read Part One and Part Two of Bill Simmons’ column from this week, because, as per the usual with his stuff, it’s funny, and, more importantly — and the reason I was even told to read this column in the first place — it’s totally based around Almost Famous.
Now, once again, if you’re like me, you’re going to skim over this article because you really don’t like basketball, and you’re just reading the column because it’s based around your favorite movie. Simmons hooked you in by naming Almost Famous the movie of the decade, and you really enjoy the thought of reading all the best quotes from the movie — but the basketball stuff? Eh, skimmable.
I’m warning you, though, skim well. Specifically, quote #16 in Part One reveals some very interesting information about the part of Russell that may make you shudder, want to cry, etc., and Part Two brings up the idea of using “Levon” instead of “Tiny Dancer” in what is my — and I think a lot of people’s — favorite scene (or one of them) in the movie.
It is with this article as a catalyst that I give you…*drumroll*…The Almost Famous Drinking Game. I wish I could tie this in even better and say that the article made me dream this up, but Meg and I created the rules a few weeks ago. Just as a warning, you should know that we love this movie and know it inside and out, so, um, you’re probably going to find yourself drinking to a lot of things.
- Whenever the age “ELEVEN!!” is mentioned — take a drink
- When Anita and her mother disagree — take a drink
- Whenever a reference is made to a real-life famous person/band — take a drink
- Whenever Lester Bangs is mentioned/seen — take a drink
- Whenever some old technology is mentioned/used — take a drink
- Whenever William’s mom tells him, “Don’t take drugs!” — take a drink
- Whenever someone does drugs — take a drink
- Whenever the word band-aid or groupie is used — take a drink
- Whenever a character says, “It’s all happening” — take a drink
- Whenever William tries to get an interview — take a drink
- Whenever William actually gets an interview — chug your drink
- Whenever William is referred to as Opie — take a drink
- Whenever someone convinces William to stay on the tour — take a drink
- During the “never take it seriously” scene — take a drink
- Whenever William’s mom talks to someone on the road — take a drink
- When the band breaks down the gate — finish your drink
- When William gets laid — finish your drink
- When the band gets into a fight — take a drink
- When the kid at the house party asks Russel, “Wanna see me feed a mouse to my snake?” — take a drink
- When Russel says, “I am a golden god!” — finish your drink
- Whenever you hear an Elton John song — take a drink
- When William’s mom tells her class, “Rockstars have kidnapped my son!” — take a drink
- When William reveals to Penny Lane that she was “sold to Humble Pie for 50 bucks and a case of beer” — take a drink…unless you’re drinking Heineken. If so — finish your drink.
- When William kisses Penny Lane — finish your drink
- Whenever Rolling Stone or a music magazine is mentioned — take a drink
- When Ed the drummer reveals he’s gay — finish your drink
- When Anita shows up at the airport — take a drink
- When the “They use all the birth control and they eat all the steak” line is said — take a drink
- When William finally gets his story published — finish your drink (mostly because the movie’s over)